An Indian Wedding

Lately I have been attending plenty of Indian weddings. According to the Indian calendar, November and December seems to be very auspicious for weddings, so that indirectly drained out half of my salary for buying gifts and putting ‘moiyee’ for my friends who got married. But that’s okay cuz at the end of the day I know these are all investments. Heheheh hope to get those back when I get married one day.

Before I move on, I would like to make myself clear, this is not a religious, political or caste related post. So please don’t be a pain in my balls and start your hullabaloo here. This is just an observation and it’s totally about what’s in my head. Okay so enough of sucking, and just click the forward button.

If you realize at one point of time, you will have all types of invitation cards at your coffee table and you will be having a tough time to choose which wedding to attend and how much to give them. Well that happened to me recently where half of my friends and relatives got married at the same time. Some of them on the same day where I have to freaking wake up so early on a Sunday morning to attend a wedding and then rush to another wedding and get back home. With no rest rushed to another wedding dinner in the evening. Ok this is how it will be when it comes to an Indian wedding.

Everyone will be rushing to bathe and the ladies will always go first. Meantime the male species will be ironing their jippa’s and shirts but of course if their maid is in the house, she will be doing all this. Once done, everyone will be searching for their gold chain, gold ring, bracelet and all the assets in the form of gold. Remember it’s a prestige issue if you don’t cover yourself with gold when you are attending a wedding.

Now you are there at the hall. When you are walking in you will have all the small kids sprinkling on you the fragrant water, some kids are so small that you have to bend down to get sprinkled. That is the reason why I don’t get sprinkled, as I will just smile at the kids and walk in. The moment you walk into the hall first thing you will see is the bride or the grooms relative whom you don’t know who, they will greet you and welcome you in. Followed by that you will see a big vinayagar (hindu elephant god) statue at the entrance decorated with flowers, lights and oil lamp. Some comes with rangoli kolam or water fountain. Now you are in, the first thing that you would want to do is find a place to sit either at the most left or the most right side of the wedding hall. Why? I will tell you why later.

On the stage, there are some rules to follow. The parents and relatives of the bride will have to stand only at her side and the same theory applies for the groom as well. Is this some kind of rule? I don’t know J. Both sides will be acting like strangers and looking at each other like never seen each other before. Actually internally they will be thinking, “I think my necklace is bigger than hers”. Then, seated on the floor, you will see the aiyer and his assistant. By the way, aiyer means the Hindu priest who conducts wedding and rituals. Now you will see the aiyer chanting some mantra’s where no one will understand especially for someone like me. Mark my words; since all the mantras are chanted in Sanskrit, 99% of the crowd will never understand what’s happening. So, lets say the aiyer is saying “thisisafukedepwedingwichihavetocunductonsundemorn” it may sound like a mantra to us, or at least me. Hahahahah .. ok coming back…

After a while you will see a row of small kids walking into the hall with oil lamp in their hands, walking very slowly. They are known as the Light Girls, of course there will be at least 3 boys stuck in that group. At times this may look scary because you will think that the kid might just fall off and burn the whole deco or some aunties saree. But, thanks to a 15-16 year old kid who will always be there to guide and monitor the kids. Slowly you will see either the bride or the groom walking depends on the timing and ritual that is going on the stage now. Lets say it’s the bride, I bet you will have so much mercy for her. Common mistake alert! In every wedding the flower garland will be so big and heavy that the bride have to slant her body forward. Why people why? She is not someone who has been carrying weight or dumbbells. The garland will be easily around 2 kilos adding to that you will have all the jewels in this world weighing another 2 kilos adding to that the saree will be another 2 kilo. So theoretically a bride will be carrying around 6 kilos of weight during her wedding. Now I know why most of the time, after an Indian wedding the couples will not celebrate their first night. Slowly the bride will walk to the stage and during this process everyone will be looking at the bride. Some will be blessing her, some will be cursing as she maybe one of the grooms ex-girlfriends or any of the auntie’s where the bride was suppose to be her daughter. Once in a while you will have the ex-boyfriends seated there and looking at the bride. You know guys, very rare an Indian ex-boyfriend will attend his ex-gf’s wedding.

Now she is on stage, seated next to the groom. “Cut to the floor”. No one will actually concentrate or even watch at what’s happening on the stage. How to, when the videographers light will be shining towards you and all you can see is the glare. I have experienced where the videographer will bring his video camera towards your face and you have to pretend like he is not there. Have you ever tried smiling or making funny face at the camera? Nope. In fact no one will. I remember one wedding where my friends and myself actually greeted my groom-friend for his wedding in front of the camera, “macha, getting married ha? Gone lah you!! Hahahaha” I think we should do that when we attend a wedding. C’mon that is the reason why they have videographer’s right. Then there are still photographers. Do you know that photographers and videographers cannot get along well in some weddings? Each will be flashing their lights at everyone and we have to suffer. Uncle, the blardy video light so freaking hot larr..i'm sweating.

From time to time you will see someone will be wiping the sweat out of the grooms forehead, thanks to the cameraman. I have to stress this part, I have no idea why the cameraman will be standing on the stage most of the time and taking pictures. They don’t take the photos of the crowd and they sometimes block the damn view. Hellooooo…can you like stand at the side please.. I can’t see the bride’s necklace. Ok moving on, all of a sudden you will see one uncle or aunty whom you know or even you friend for instance. They will smile and walk to you, shake you hand and ask the golden question. “Are you the bride side or groom side?” Or sometimes-even better, ”came for wedding ah?” I will be like what?? Is there another event happening here or what? Of course you can’t say anything so you will either answer that silly question or smile. After asking how are you and your parents, blah blah this this that that, both you and the other person will be looking at each other or looking around. Out of idea what to talk. After turning here and there, you will say “ok uncle, see you around later” which of course I wont be fuccin bothered to see him again. Ultimately you wont see him again. Now it’s the time where everyone is waiting for. Tying the holy string, Thali.

All of a sudden the whole hall will be noisy, with the sound of the musicians and the aiyer shouting kettimelam kettimelam. This is the part where I always feel shitty about. Blardy cameramen will be standing in front of the couples and blocking everyone’s view from the floor. Fck dude! We are here so long waiting and you just block our view?? Some are considerate by standing at the sides; but still their cameras will be flying all around. The videoman will be using all his filming skills and shooting from angle to angle, left right up down. And then, Oh gosh there it is the sound. THE SOUND!! Sound of the chairs being pushed and everyone standing up. The moment they know that the thali have been tied everyone will be rushing to get their food. This sight is common in all weddings. Provided that the food is served at the side of the hall. Now you know why you must find a place at the side of the hall. If not you will have to wait in that long freaking queue.

This is the time where you get the chance to see or hear some auntie’s gossiping and comparing each other’s gold and saree’s. If you watch closely, you will see the aunties talking to each other but their eyes will be looking at each other’s saree design or necklace design. If you are lucky, you might get the chance to see the auntie’s hot daughter in saree. Guys please don’t fall for this unless you really know that girl. Now you will see these girls young and hot with saree’s, if free drop by Bangsar during the weekend. You will see the same girl, with tetek-baring top, drunk and having orgy with her college mate’s in Absolute or Lockup. So guys don’t fall for it, listen to the Guru.

In the food row, nothing special actually. An Indian wedding is incomplete if there is no mutton, chicken sambal, ghee rice and mix vege. Mix vege is a must!! There are some rules before taking the rice. Take one plate for you and pass the other plates to the person at the back of you despite the fact the person have to wait longer holding the plates, and sometimes one old aunty or uncle will give that fucced up smile and cut the line. Hey!! So people don’t pass the plates, I know how to take it. Now you are the rice section, take as much as you want, next the mutton; take that, and the chicken sambal. Don’t miss that followed by mix vege, sweet and sour fish etc etc. Now you will see the plate is so full that you can even hide TajMahal in it.

Finished eating, only now you walk up to the stage to give the moiyee or your gift. Of course you have to queue up. Now once you have given the gift, stand in a group for a photo. Done? No don’t move. Pose in front of the video camera. Can I ask? How the hell to pose if front of the video camera? All you can do is cover macho and just look at the camera to finish panning from left to right. Done, move on towards the exit of the hall.

On the way say goodbye to the same person million times and collect some laddoos and sweets along the way.

So now we have a complete Indian wedding. My follow up post will be on Indian wedding dinner/reception.

Rujjcoomarh.